Wednesday, August 31, 2005


Ahh, the wilderness. Life's cocoon.
Favor's mantle. A son's reward.
A lover's passion,
for me.

Season of lonliness.
Hidden transformation.
Where destiny is nurtured,
then birthed.

Dark night.
In the midst of death and resurrection.
Slow, painful emergence
between what is by faith and what is;
your promise.

And you, not worried, not hurried.
I wrestle and weep.
You love and listen.
Faithful. Watchful.
I choose trust.

Your life, your blood
coursing through my being
Strengthening this frail frame.
Forming me in your image
Overcoming, becoming.


In this desert season when the Lord seems so silent and I feel alone and cower in's a timely word from a brother in the KOD community who goes by the name Areios:

"And immediately He made His disciples get into the boat and go ahead of Him to the other side to Bethsaida, while He Himself was sending the multitude away. And after bidding them farewell, He departed to the mountain to pray. And when it was evening, the boat was in the midst of the sea, and He alone was on the land. And seeing them harassed at rowing, for the wind was against them, at about the fourth watch of the night He came to them. But when they saw Him walking on the sea, they supposed that it was a ghost, and cried out; for they all saw Him and were frightened. But immediately He spoke with them and said to them, "Take courage; it is I, do not be afraid." And He got into the boat with them, and the wind stopped; and they were greatly astonished, for they had not gained any insight from the incident of the loaves, but their heart was hardened."-Mark 6: 45-52

The disciples have just witnessed the heart of Heaven. The love and passion of the Father, the immeasurable maginitude of His Kingdom has been manifested, as Jesus feeds a crowd of five thousand with five loaves and two small fish. And now everyone is convinced that Jesus has come to be King over Israel again, and as human beings often do, in our own understanding, in what we THINK God is trying to do, we miss the point all together. But Jesus is OK with that. So He sends the disciples off, because there is more to accomplish, more revelation of the Father to reveal, and as He often does, He withdraws by Himself, after He sends the disciples across the lake. The disciples now are heading across the lake, but the wind blows against them, and as they struggle and try to fight the wind, Jesus sees them from the mountainside, and comes out after them... walking on the water.

Recently, I've felt like God has withdrawn from me... Like He's distanced Himself, and I find myself like the disciples. My numb dumb heart has been hardened. I've been so quickly to forget what He's said, and what He's done. I don't think it's un-natural for us to respond the way we do, when God withdraws... In fact, God spoke to me about when He withdraws... "Son, you're getting so busy... when I withdraw, it's because I want you to withdraw with Me.... It's an invitation, it's not a rejection."And so that's what this is all about... The first time Jesus is led out into the wilderness, it's because the Spirit leads Him out there... I don't think much changed over the course of His life... But why is it that when He withdraws, we miss the invitation and think He's rejected us... and we find ourselves striving and trying again? Working to earn His affection... I know the theme of identity has been preached to death by the millions of pastors and preachers out in the world today.... Surely when it feels like God withdraws, when it feels like life is falling down all around us, that it's just the cup the Father has set before us now. That in this season we need to withdraw to the lonely places with Him? You know, as I listened to Jason share the story of the tornado in Tulsa, the Lord spoke to me and said, "if you only knew how much My favor rests on you... If you only knew how much authority you have... if only you knew how much I love you." I have this theory, that when Jesus was talking about faith that moves mountains, He wasn't talking about the "prophetic mountains that hinder us from our destiny..." I dont think His audience would have deduced that from His message. I think Jesus sent the disciples out ahead of Him, so that they could withdraw. He knew they would be alright. In fact He was so confident in this because He intended to walk right past them as they were rowing on the lake... It wasn't confidence in the disciples... He was confident in the favor He had on them...You see, what happens is when God withdraws, and He invites us to withdraw with Him, He knows we can handle life. Not because of ourselves, but because we are His son, His daughter, and His favor rests on you and I. If we only knew the favor God had on our lives, and the authority He's endowed us with. I believe that God doesn't want us to be independant of Him, but He wants us to be His companions, so He entrusts us, and gives us favor, and authority, and He has confidence in us as Sons and daughters. You see, Jesus walks right past the disciples while they struggle against the wind. I think He was going to wait for them on the other side. But when they see Him coming, and they cry out in fear, He stops and gets into the boat with them, and then the storm stops, and the wind is calm, and the water is calm. See I don't think that Jesus wants us to be independant, but He wants us to have a revelation of the love and favor of the Father on our lives... The confidence of the Father on us to overcome, and to be a church that overcomes, even when we don't overcome. Father, may I have such confidence in Your favor upon my life! See the disciples were left in awe because Jesus calmed the storm. But they still didn't get it... They forgot the favor of the Father, the love of God that we cannot be separated from, the provision of God to feed five thousand plus hungry people... the compassion of Jesus that will never let us be tempted beyond what we're able, but has to help us to find the "able" in ourselves. So when God withdraws, and the winds beat and blow, it's the Father's invitation. When water floods your boat, and the winds beat against you, pushing you the opposite direction, don't forget the favor of the Father. Who said, "because you have favor with Me, because you have relationship with Me, and I can trust you, speak to the storm, and watch it dissipate. Tell the mountain to move, and watch it get up and move, tell that cancer to die, and watch it shrivel and die, dont forget, it's the favor of the Father on His sons and on His daughters. "

Indeed there is power in our words....
It is time to sing over the barren places and speak to the wind, the waves and the mountains.
Father let the favor that rests on me pour forth from me.

Monday, August 29, 2005

In the barren place

I've been struggling with this empty, barren space in my heart.
The desire for more children has been growing in me. I grieve when I remember I put a stop to that. I was afraid. I didn't trust in Your providence and provision. I didn't trust in your strength. I was afraid to fall. Afraid to fail. I didn't know who you are. But this desire is crossing every portion of my being. I am empty of relationship, connection with believers and heart outpoured for unbelievers. This desire for intimacy and for fruitfulness Hannah, I am not satisfied.

And then you exhort me with this promise:

"Even if the fig tree does not bloom and the vines have no grapes, even if the olive tree fails to produce and the fields yield no food, even if the sheep pen is empty and the stalls have no cattle- even then, I will be happy with the LORD. I will truly find joy in God, who saves me.
The LORD Almighty is my strength. He makes my feet like those of a deer. He makes me walk on the mountains. " Habakkuk 3:17-19

I don't know how, or when.....but I give it all to you.You know my heart. Your desires once lay as a seed when the ground was fertile. Did I miscarry your dreams? Did I abort your promises? Did fear stop your flow of life in me?

"My beloved put his hand through the keyhole. My heart throbbed for him.
I got up to open for my beloved. My hands dripped with myrrh, and my fingers were drenched with liquid myrrh, on the handles of the lock. I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had turned away. He was gone! I almost died when he left. I looked for him, but I did not find him. I called for him, but he did not answer me."
Song of Songs 5:4-6

Have I wounded you? Neglected you? Lord, draw me back to your feet. Let me see your eyes. All I ever wanted was to be fully yours. All fruitfulness flows from intimacy.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


I'm waiting here for you
Listening for your voice
Speak your word over me
and my soul will live
Great are your mercies Lord
new for me everyday
You faithfully parden Me
I hear you say

Come to the water
Come to the river
Come to the well
Come if you're thirsty
Come if you're broken
Come and be healed

As sure as the rain comes down
As sure as the snow falls from heaven
your promises are fulfilled
I hear you say

Come to the water
come to the river
Come to the well
Come if you're thirsty
Come if you're broken
Come and be healed

Come and drink from the Saviour's cup
Come and be cleansed by the Saviour's blood

Oh I will go out with Joy..I will go out with peace...the mountains and hills sing praise
I hear them say:

Come to the water
Come to the river
Come to the well
Come if you're thirsty
Come if you're broken
Come and be healed

Kate Miner (Come to the water)

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Learning a new language

I feel like the Israelites when they left Eygpt and came to the wilderness, the place between slavery and the freedom of the promised land.... the place where God wanted to reveal His heart, his name, his face to his beloved.

This struggle between structure and freedom is unnerving. I've longed to know life lived naturally, uncontrived ; not forced and mandated. Life that is not based in obligation but in passion. But when you've lived in that for so long, it feels safer than the world without the boxes. This one is unfamiliar territory and I feel frozen in terror. My tongue is tied. My mind fumbling.

In the beginning was life. Without ritual or structure. Just the Father and his children in relationship. In the Son we see this lived. Jesus did not 'go to church' for life and fellowship, he communed with the Father and brought life to the lost and the broken. Jesus did not attend a school, he was taught by the spirit of God. Jesus did not impress his authority on those who followed him, he simply carried it. Jesus did not require submission from his followers, he inspired them to it. Help me see you more. Help me hear you more. Help me live unhindered...ready to fly. Teach me your way.
There is a road
that leads to peace that leads to life
But few will follow
We’re at the crossroad
Which way will we go
There is not today a more holy way than the steps that lead me to the cross
where my will can’t be the priority
and these crowns I’ve gained I count as loss
When I hear the spirit say
that this is the true King’s way
Jason Upton (Great River Road)

"Scientists say if you help a butterfly escape its chrysalis, you actually kill it. God designed the process so that the struggle itself actually strengthens the butterfly so she will be able to fly away when she is finally free. Our struggles accomplish the same thing. They are part of what God uses to invite us deeper into him."

Wayne Jacobson

Thursday, August 18, 2005


Jesus answered him, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.'
This is the greatest and most important commandment.
The second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as you love yourself.'
All of Moses' Teachings and the Prophets depend on these two commandments."
Matthew 22:37-40
You mortals, the LORD has told you what is good. This is what the LORD requires from you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to live humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8

Monday, August 15, 2005

Of no reputation

It's still there; this creeping need to be approved. A fear of being wrong. To know that I'm not going off the deep end. But......

If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.? (Galatians 1:10)

"God's nonsense is wiser than human wisdom, and God's weakness is stronger than human strength. Brothers and sisters, consider what you were when God called you to be Christians. Not many of you were wise from a human point of view. You were not in powerful positions or in the upper social classes. But God chose what the world considers nonsense to put wise people to shame. God chose what the world considers weak to put what is strong to shame. God chose what the world considers ordinary and what it despises-what it considers to be nothing-in order to destroy what it considers to be something. As a result, no one can brag in God's presence. "1 Corinthians 1:25-29

"The craving for approval devours our spiritual passions by putting our focus on what people think of us rather than what God does."
Wayne Jacobson

Saturday, August 13, 2005

On being a facilitator

The greater danger....being God's voice for others rather than equipping other's to hear God's voice for themselves.

Wondering, asking, learning.......What does it mean to be a friend of the bridegroom? How can I prepare the way for you my King? How can I facilitate your presence?