Monday, August 29, 2005

In the barren place

I've been struggling with this empty, barren space in my heart.
The desire for more children has been growing in me. I grieve when I remember I put a stop to that. I was afraid. I didn't trust in Your providence and provision. I didn't trust in your strength. I was afraid to fall. Afraid to fail. I didn't know who you are. But this desire is crossing every portion of my being. I am empty of relationship, connection with believers and heart outpoured for unbelievers. This desire for intimacy and for fruitfulness Hannah, I am not satisfied.

And then you exhort me with this promise:

"Even if the fig tree does not bloom and the vines have no grapes, even if the olive tree fails to produce and the fields yield no food, even if the sheep pen is empty and the stalls have no cattle- even then, I will be happy with the LORD. I will truly find joy in God, who saves me.
The LORD Almighty is my strength. He makes my feet like those of a deer. He makes me walk on the mountains. " Habakkuk 3:17-19

I don't know how, or when.....but I give it all to you.You know my heart. Your desires once lay as a seed when the ground was fertile. Did I miscarry your dreams? Did I abort your promises? Did fear stop your flow of life in me?

"My beloved put his hand through the keyhole. My heart throbbed for him.
I got up to open for my beloved. My hands dripped with myrrh, and my fingers were drenched with liquid myrrh, on the handles of the lock. I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had turned away. He was gone! I almost died when he left. I looked for him, but I did not find him. I called for him, but he did not answer me."
Song of Songs 5:4-6

Have I wounded you? Neglected you? Lord, draw me back to your feet. Let me see your eyes. All I ever wanted was to be fully yours. All fruitfulness flows from intimacy.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi There

I came upon your "silent wings" when I was checking the comments on Faytene's (Seige 2005) update blogsite. It is our church, Grace Harvest in Saint John that is bringing in Faytene from the 3rd to the 9th of September. God has breathed upon this initiative and within a few days we have secured a venue, worship team, host home etc. The coporate gathering will be on the 7th of Sept. at Saint John Vineyard at 7pm. You sounded so passionate to connect I thought I would somehow try to reach you. I don't understand these blog things totally. My oldest daughter went to Bulgaria with her husband and made one of these. It's cool but I don't get them completely. I am Kelly...
Look forward to finding you wherever you are in NB..please connect...'cos I already feel that I have with you....only in the Kingdom,eh!