My nanna passed away last week.
She was a woman that I sadly did not have the priveledge of knowing.....really knowing. She had lived through a difficult childhood but had only spoken a little of it in the last few years of her life here on earth. Moments of humble service, acceptance,and honor had melted the heart enough to allow for moments of vulnerabilty. Love had created a safe place. In those moments of discovery I saw glimpses of a young girl more alive than the woman who shared the stories. My heart grieved over the protective shell that prevented such vitality and passion from emerging more fully. And in this time of rememberance I saw the ways in which she had loved. And I wished not only that I had loved more but that I had seen and recieved more of the love she had offered.
Now, in the safest place, she blooms. In the light of Love she is free. Like an emerging butterfly she will see the beauty He had intended. Like a flower unfurling in the warmth of the sun's gaze, the fragrance that is unique to her shall be poured out as worship and love to her Creator. In His eyes she stands complete. He makes all things new, and beautiful, in His time.
But I am learning. Learning that loving others is not a waste. One waters and waters seed even if there is no immediate recognition of care, no sprout to say "It's working". No, it is only when we look back that we see what love has done. It is really NOW, in my freedom, that I want to and need to say thank you to those of you who loved me and love me still, encouraged me and encourage me still, who never gave up on me and served me a cup of water in Jesus name. You who shine the keeping, covenant love of the Father. You who were Jesus in skin for me.... for many years or maybe in passing. I too am blooming. I am learning to notice the love you extend to me.
John Newton, who himself had drunk deeply from the fountain of grace, once said "If as I go home, a child dropped a halfpence, and if, by giving it another, I can wipe away its tears, I feel I have done something. I should be glad to do greater things but I will not neglect this."
I want to "do something" too. Just one thing, one moment at a time, can and does add hope to dispare. One small candle still lights a dark room. I want the transforming love of Jesus, the tender heart of my Father to flow as a river in my life. I want to see gardens spring up from deserts.
I want to be a safe place....a well to drink from...a servant.... I want to be like the faithful lover of my own soul.